Tuesday, January 30, 2007
“You need to turn that fan off”, said Manhater. “Why?” I replied. “Because it’s sucking all of the air from my side.” She snapped back. “Sucking the air from your side of the room?” I asked sarcastically. Are you fucking serious? (I didn’t really say that, but my face surely did). Because I wanted to be absolutely sure that I heard correctly, (and I wanted everyone else to hear as well), I asked one more time, but in a slightly louder voice, “You want me to turn the fan off because it is sucking the air from your area?” “Yes”, she steamed. I could not believe the words that had come out of her mouth. She claims that my piddly little table fan, was actually drawing air from her side of the room, and leaving her with what exactly? No oxygen? Dumb ass. Instead of getting into the dynamics of exactly how electric fans were designed to function (by their uniquely shaped blades generating a flow of air as they rotate, and not by sucking in air,) I decided that this is one of those moments where you simply bite your tongue and allow the inevitable fruition of stupidity to momentarily triumph. This particular battle was not necessarily lost it just wasn’t worth beginning at all. So, I turned the 16” supersonic, dual propeller, gas turbine, 5500 horsepower jet engine, house fan off and returned her fragile oxygen deprived ecosystem to its original state of homeostasis. Because apparently, on it’s lowest setting, the Cyclone (as it’s been dubbed) has enough power to create a suffocating vortex of death in its wake, as opposed to moving air around and creating a cooling effect like it was intended. I really wish that I had made this shit up. Seriously.