Just when I thought I wouldn’t have anything to write about today, some crazy astronaut bitch* decides to drive 900 miles across the country (in diapers) to spray another space ho in the face with pepper spray, in an obvious attempt to subdue her, pulverize her with a steel mallet, and then neatly tuck her body in garbage bags like packages of big league chewing gum (or tang). And this is all because crazy moon bitch suspects the space ho of vying for the relations of her space pimp (a fellow NASA pilot).
After crazy space bitch was arrested, they found a knife, a steel mallet (she’s so screwed,) rubber tubing, and garbage bags in her car. She was charged with attempted murder and attempted kidnapping and her lawyer had the audacity to tell reporters that the charges were bogus and “speculative”. Speculative? Right, because driving from Houston to Orlando in a pair of Depends and following someone around in a disguise with the aforementioned mafia starter kit on hand, doesn’t seem like premeditated murder at all.
*Contrary to popular belief, Crazy Space Bitch, Space Ho, and Space Pimp are not official positions held at NASA, and do not, in any way, reflect my feelings about NASA, it’s wasteful space exploration, or the fact that Pluto is no longer considered a planet.