Saturday, March 10, 2007

Waxing Helena

I must admit that being the only male therapist at a Salon and Day Spa has many advantages. Besides the daily caressing strokes to the ego, (and free haircuts), I am also commonly privy to classified female secrets and behaviors. However, working in this environment also means that I am frequently exposed to conversations that would shrivel the average man’s testicles to the size of raisins. Commencing Operation Testicular Atrophy. . . . . .

I got into a very interesting conversation yesterday with Bubbles, our newest esthetician, about the whole process of body waxing and hair removal while I waited for my next client. She excitedly told me vivid stories about some of the things they had to do to each other in esthetician school. With immense intrigue, as though I were learning the truth about UFO’s (or smurfs), I listened to how she was taught this dark and mysterious form of torture and what she does to her clients. Holding nothing back, she explained in great detail how no area of flesh goes un-waxed in a Brazilian wax. Apparently, this procedure is similar to the more common bikini wax, however everything from the labia majora to the anus is stripped of its hair, except for a pretty little patch of pubes right above the *VULVA, in which designs are often stenciled in like the back of Bobby Brown’s head.

And then she spoke words that pierced through my very soul. She started talking about how men get their balls waxed too. Slightly wincing at the thought of such discomfort I said, “Surely you are joking madam”. I mean, what man in their right mind would voluntarily pour scalding hot wax on the thinnest, most sensitive area of skin on their entire body, to then have the hairs violently ripped up from their roots, like a hungry gorilla would pull up vegetation? “And that’s not all,” she exclaimed with augmenting enthusiasm. Oh yippee, you mean there’s more? “They also get their asses done too,” she said with a huge grin. “It’s called a “crack and sack”, or a Brazilian for men,” she said leaning towards me as she beamed. How cute. “I, uh, think my client’s here. I gotta go”, I stammered.

Round one . . . . . .Bubbles.

*or for those of you who are sticklers for correct anatomical references, the mons pubis (Latin, pubic mound), or simly mons. Also known specifically to human females as mons veneris (Latin, mound of Venus).


Bitty said...

I can relate to some extent. Last weekend at work I sat uncomfortably while the girls shared their favorite stories about their experiences with Colonix. Do you know what Colonix is? I didn't. I do now though. Colonix is a procedure in which a tube is inserted and your colon is flushed out with water. I'm also the reigning expert on oral colon cleanses now.
Did I mention that I was eating at the time? I will never again eat fruit leather with out picturing a tube filled with fecal matter.

La Cubana Gringa said...

I'm so proud of you for finally joining the side of those of us who use PROPER anatomical terms for lady parts! Woo hoo! gonna let Bubbles do your crack 'n sack??

Mr. Poopie said...


Don't they call those enemas? I thought they used fire hoses for that. Oh well, at least you weren't eating a salad. Because that would just be gross. = )

la cubana gringa:

Thank you, [takes a bow], thank you. I dedicated that whole vulva thing to you.

Although I think Bubbles could talk me into just about anything, I'm a little leery about letting her near my beautiful brown tait!