Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Chair Massage

I had a chair massage event planned for today at a huge law firm. There were five other therapist that were contracted to work the event, two of which I was familiar with. The job was for four hours and each employee of the firm was to receive 10 minutes of chair massage. For those with English as a second language, that equates to about 18 to 20 people with only a pee pee break allowed if needed. The work was pretty much non stop, with barely enough time in between clients to wipe your chair down and put on a new face cover. (These are used because after about ten minutes or so of smashing someone’s face in the chair, drool, make up, and sebum (oil from the skin), are inevitably left behind, and most people don’t want to lay their face in someone else’s skin slime and saliva (although, if it were Jessica Alba’s, I wouldn’t care too much).

I like to do chair massages from time to time, because the money is good and relatively easy to make, and because it reminds me of why I spent $500 on a damn chair that I never get to sit in. On a more serious note, it does come in handy for volunteer work at events like Breast Cancer walks and for promoting one’s business. For some reason that escapes me, it’s much easier to convince a stranger to sit in a chair for a 15 minute massage than it is to get them to lie down on a bed completely naked while you rub hot oil over their bodies in a dark room for an hour, (people are weird like that).

As I said before, the money is good, you get it right away, and at some events you’re even fed and get a few breaks (you know how I am with food). However, this particular one ranked right up there with slave work. No food, warm ass water, and even a warmer room. With only ten minutes per, you don’t really get to sit down at all, so you’re on your feet the whole time too. This may sound like complaining, (which it is), but after four hours of pushing, pulling, compressing, twisting, and contorting your body in every which way for the benefit of a good massage, you tend to get a little tired even when your're in good shape.

The first couple of hours are usually fun, and when people sit in the chair backwards you find it amusing. Towards the end though, when you’re hungry and tired, you don’t find anything cute at all and you definitely do every thing in your power to not get that “big guy” in your chair either. What you never find cute are people that can’t ever relax. It never ceases to amaze me how many people sit in your chair or on your table, are tense, and have no earthly idea what relaxing is or how to achieve it. It’s like teaching someone with cerebral palsy how to do yoga. Coaching someone towards the end of your day and having to say "RELAX" repeatedly, becomes extremely tiresome. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but trying to massage a contracted muscle is like kneading bamboo. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of getting a massage to begin with. Do me a favor, if you’re the kind that has no idea how to relax, smoke a joint before you get a massage. It’ll really help us out. Unless of course your pregnant, in which case you should eat lots of pancakes and listen to Michael Bolton.


La Cubana Gringa said...

Sebum. Hot oil. Pancakes. And Michael Bolton. Sounds like a county fair I went to a few years ago.

You still gonna do massages for the breast cancer walk my Tia is doing?? She would adore you forever if you did (so would I, but that goes without saying).

Mr. Poopie said...

The walk is being held on my birthday, but I did give her my word!

The sacrifices I make for boobies, I swear.