Thursday, April 26, 2007

Look Who's Talking

I was recently asked by a few readers about whether or not I talked when giving a massage and I thought this would be a good time to address it. Believe it or not, this is one of the more popular questions concerning my line of work, right next to “Happy Endings” (yeah, yeah, laugh it up jackass) and "Do your hands ever hurt?". Basically the only talking I do during a massage, besides responding to a client’s questions, is asking them if the pressure is okay and to let them know when I’m going to apply hot towels to their body (which feels heavenly by the way).

Otherwise, I’m a firm believer in NOT talking during a massage. You paid good money to come to me for relaxation, stress relief, and alleviation of pain. Other people get paid to talk. Prior to the session, I take your medical history (in case we have sex), and ask a few other questions like what areas you’d like extra attention to and what type of pressure you like. I also inquire into the type of work and activities you do, to get a better understanding of where I might find issues and how to resolve them. Other than that, once we’ve started, I’ll let you know when to flip, when to take a few deep breaths, and when to expect my balls on your forehead (just making sure you’re still paying attention).

Some people do get nervous (mostly the first-timers), and a little chit chat usually sets them at ease. I’m familiar with this process and am pretty good at making people feel comfortable. So, I have no reservations with engaging in a little small talk. Once the massage gets started though and they have an idea of what to expect, they eventually relax and let me do what I do best, which is making you melt.

Every now and then you do get somebody who just won’t shut the hell up. Let’s not confuse these people with my regulars who know me well and initiate a little friendly conversation, (usually during the beginning of the massage). The real “hardcore” talkers don’t interpret your short answers as you prefer silence and wouldn’t mind gagging them with a towel and setting them ablaze like a human bonfire. Oh no, they take your lack of participation as a mere invitation to continue talking about meaningless shit. I’ve had people run their mouths for the entire 60 minutes even while face down with my elbow embedded in their back. I’m pretty gregarious and love good conversation as much as the next guy, but for the love of oxygen consumption, (and my sanity), put a fucking lid on it. I've even had a couple clients thank me for being quiet, explaining that their old therapist wouldn't stop blabbing. That's all the reassurance I need.


Angela Z said...

The purpose of a massage is to relax. Talking requires several uses of facial muscles and in my case, way tooo much with hands. Italian.

I like my therapist to just do his or her thing and let me relax!

The last massage I had, a few weeks ago, she beat me up! I couldn't laugh, sneeze, walk right, etc.......for 3 days. Is that right?

La Cubana Gringa said...

Hmmm...the balls on the forehead...are those the "hot stones" you speak of when you do a hot stone massage??

Jenne said...

Thank-you, that's exactly what I wanted to hear, I hate it when they talk. I generally respond politely...after all I'm lying naked on the table, kind of at their mercy.

Besides heavy talkers, is there anyone else that you don't enjoy "servicing"?

Mr. Poopie said...

angela - It is normal to feel the effects of a massage up to a couple of days after as your body re-balances itself and removes toxins, (especially if you don't drink enough water). You may want to let her know to ease up next time, and stay hydrated!

Cubana - I see you're familiar with facials . . . .

Jenne - The obese and sasquatches are my least favorite. Most all my clients are female, (so I usually don't deal with hair), but you do get an occasional male client that should have gotten groomed at petsmart before coming to you.

Anonymous said...

This might be kind of random, but considering that massages generally ease the tension out of people's muscles and such, I would imagine that you would get a few moaners. Yes?

(P.S. According to WebMD, you can't develop shingles if you've never had chicken pox, haha. I'm safe!)

Mr. Poopie said...

Catchy chick - Yup, you do get moaners and those of the more "verbal" variety as well. Like you said, comes with the territory.

(p.s. yeah your right about the shingles.....but with your luck, it's only a matter of time.