Wednesday, May 16, 2007

StripTease

Howdy Y’all. I hadn’t put anything up the past couple of days, because I was in the Lone Star State, attending my cousin Big M's wedding over the weekend. It was held at an absolutely gorgeous garden-like venue overlooking a glistening lake, embedded in the rolling green hills. We were surrounded by a plethora of flowers and various plant life that swayed in the afternoon’s breeze with Sade’s voice in the background.

It was certainly a little different than most weddings I’ve attended, as everyone was casually dressed, and we were sitting outside melting under the sun’s unrelenting glare. I didn’t know it was being held outside (or that is was casual). So, I was wearing a tan suit with a black shirt and was so hot that I felt like a human tiki torch. Thankfully the actual length of the ceremony was shorter than in the bud light commercial with the auctioneer for a preacher. I never thought I’d be so happy that two people weren’t religious, or that I had forgotten to wear underwear.

For the weekend’s festivities we rented two huge houses on a huge resort, next to a huge lake(apparently everything in Texas is huge), to accommodate my astronomically large family. We had a complimentary golf cart to shuttle people between the two locations since they were a little over a mile apart. I like golf carts, but as I discovered, you should never drive them naked after 15 margaritas.

I love when the family gets together. For Hispanics this means tons of sinfully delicious food, good music, dancing, games, and stories. And of course, with so many cousins, nieces, and nephews around, this inevitably creates the perfect blueprint for my many pranks, or for someone losing an eye. This time nobody lost body parts, but one sister cut so many jalapenos that she did have to ice her fingers for 6 hours. [sniff, sniff]

We attended a BBQ on Thursday night and the party rehearsal dinner was on Friday night. It was a typical family reunion, with the elders telling stories and me trying to find out how many fajitas I could eat before exploding. I also drank so much sangria that I was running around slapping everyone on the ass saying, “good game!”

One of my cousins, who’s notorious for hooking up with beautiful women, even though he still lives with his mom, decided to go for broke and bring a stripper to the wedding who has a five year old son (and a peculiar belly rash). Now, I definitely don’t have anything against stripper moms, (God knows that my uncle Jerry is a wonderful mom), but this particular girl was definitely not the pick of the litter. I’m not even concerned with the fact that she got beat with an ugly stick. What’s entirely worse is that she is as crass and as unrefined as people get. At one point, she dipped some chips into the ENTIRE bowl of salsa, leaning her head over it as she ate, while little chunks of food fell from her mouth (she was gracious enough to put her other hand under her chin). I watched in horror as she desecrated my Aunt's holy salsa. Afterwards, she scratched her belly and I half expected her to lift her leg and let out a resounding fart (as I had a few moments earlier).

I suppose every one’s lucky streak runs out eventually, although I think my cousin might be under some weird stripper spell (or he could just be hypnotized by her gigantic breasts). Either way, he’s in for the long haul, because he decided to make a DNA deposit and now they’re going to have little stripper babies. I’m not a big fan of polluting the gene pool, but I suppose it’s better than getting syphilis.

7 comments:

la cubana gringa said...

Well, don't discount the possibility that he also has syphilis!

I'm just sayin'.

On a different note, perhaps I should get a boob job...maybe then I can actually get away with things like eating straight out of the salsa bowl. (Not that I don't try to.)

Mr. Poopie said...

True, true. He could possibly get her little scabies rash too.

I hate fake boobies. Especially the ones that look like water balloons. And I think the only reason nobody said anything is because we were all kind of dumbfounded that someone had the nerve to do it.

Bitty said...

That's an excellent idea! Just have giant fake boobies to distract people while you engage in socially unacceptable behavior. They could get you out of so many situations...like a superhero.

Gnat said...

I was there...it was disgraceful. The stretch marks from the fake boobs were enough to gross me out....that was before I noticed the ringworm on her belly.

Angela Z said...

Ok, this girl just sounds nasty! And, btw.......How does one "forget" to wear underware? I mean, seriously.......how?

I Love Sangria!

AZ said...

You left out the most important information was she a gringa or Mexican? If she was Mexican I can't imagine she would eat salsa like that, but I've seen gringas stick their fingers in a bowl of salsa and say "is it hot?"

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.