Monday, June 25, 2007

Dante's Peak

So, I’m chillin’ in the sauna at my gym after a particularly long day at work and a decent weight lifting session, just trying to wind down and relax. After some time passes, a guy in his twenties walks in wearing a full set of clothes. Before you know it, he walks back outside to read the mammoth sign he passed on the way in that tells you all the rules like to shower first, not to dry your dirty clothes on the rocks, not to exercise, or clip your nails, and to ONLY wear towels. As he’s reading the sign, he keeps the door open with an extended arm as if he were holding the elevator open for old Mrs. Johnson and all her cats on the fourth floor.

Now, as it’s already been established, I am not a rocket scientist. However, I am also not completely ignorant to the laws of science. This particular gym patron was completely oblivious to not only optimal sauna functionality, but also to common courtesy. Dum-dum was letting all the cold air in, and all the hot air out, thus lowering the desired temperature in the sauna and negating the very purpose of sitting inside an active volcano’s core to begin with.

After reading the rules and regulations to satisfaction, he finally found a seat at the far end of the room. The temperature eventually returned to its comfortable eyeball popping state and I was just beginning to slip back into my little realm of relaxation when for the first time in my life, I hear a sound I would never expect to hear in the sanctity of a sweat temple . . . . . a cell phone ringing. Okay, so I had gotten over the fact that shit head didn’t shower, was wearing clothes, and left the door open, but seriously, a phone?

Forgive my Spanish, but who the fuck brings a cell phone into the fucking sauna? I was in complete shock. Not only did the damn phone ring, but then he ANSWERS it and proceeds to have an entire fucking conversation IN the sauna. That's about as rude as tapping people on the shoulder with a giant dildo while they pray in church.

Well, this must have been a life and death situation you say? You would have thought the same as me. I expected him to say, “Yes Mr. President right away!” or “She’s having the baby right now?” or even “I told you it wasn’t mine!” No. He just chatted away with one of his buddies like we were all standing in line at the movies. I was so livid, but way too exhausted to say anything. I just cut my steam session short and headed home. I felt so violated.

The worst thing about this entire fiasco is that the whole time the only thing I could think about was who this motherfucker’s cell phone provider was. I can’t even get a damn signal on the second floor of the whole God forsaken building, let alone in the deep recesses of the locker room.

Looks like I need a new network. How 'bout you?


la cubana gringa said...

What if the prayerful church patron was ACTUALLY PRAYING to be tapped on the shoulder with a giant dildo? Wouldn't be all that rude THEN would it? Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha. This amuses me.

What an assbag! You should have glared at him, sighed really loudly, and then sat thigh to thigh with him until he got uncomfortable enough to leave.

Special K said...

who prays to be tapped on the shoulder with a giant dildo? scientologists? do they pray? fuck i hate tom cruise! anyways, you should've seen if he wanted to play 'who wants to take a face-plant into the hot, steamy rocks?' that'll teach the douchebag

Little sausage said...

What a douchebag! (I have always wanted to say that word)

You should have taken his cell and thrown it on to the hot rocks. Then asked him if he actually read the sign outside? Or did he just stare at the pretty patterns the letters made?

Bitty said...

You should treat him to a session of naked pilates next time.

Mr. Poopie said...

LCG - Just because your prayers were answered . . . .

catchy - Actually I did sigh a few times, but he was too busy smaking his gums to hear.

special k - I think Tom Cruise prays to a picture of himself.

little sausage - please don't encourage special k. We're trying to sort out his anger issues. I am glad you got it out of your system though.

Bitty - lol...I absolutely hate when dudes start doing the naked yoga. Like hello, would you mind not doing the downward dog all up in my face! That's just nasty.

Angela Z said...

Great story......too bad it's true. People are such idiots it no longer amazes me...I mean the surprise is gone! Yeah, I am jaded.