Tuesday, June 5, 2007

The Replacements

Last night I was hoopn’ it up a local church (J.C. loves basketball) that I play at a couple of nights a week. There wasn’t as large a turn out as usual, and I also found out that my buddy who runs the program, a six foot four Canadian Preacher (yes God does work in mysterious ways) had torn his ACL and will have surgery in a few weeks. Now, I can only imagine what unbearable pain that must be . . . . . . . but surely he’s come to terms with being Canadian by now. Hehehehehe . . . . I’m just kiddin’. He did say that he hurt himself playing ball and when it happened, it felt like someone had stabbed him in the knee with a hot poker. Carajo. I assured him that it wouldn’t affect him getting lap dances when we go out for beers next weekend.

Usually we ball for at least two and a half hours, but as the night went on, our numbers dwindled down until we didn’t have enough for five on five anymore. So, my boy lil Tim suggested we hit a local pick up game at another church down the street. He said he had some peeps that played there and lucky for us, they were still balln’. My excitement to continue playing that night quickly dwindled as we approached the court and I noticed that just about everyone there was a good ‘ol boy.

Now, it’s already been established that I am not a racist. . . . . I despise everyone equally. Well . . . okay. . . .stupid people definitely get the brunt of my wrath, but besides that, my desire to relentlessly choke people to death and feed them to sharks is just about evenly distributed among every body else. However, those of you who’ve ever played basketball with a bunch of rednecks knows that their form of basketball, is more like football without pads. I’m not totally unfamiliar with violently bashing someone’s head against the ground in a mindless rampage for sport, but when I want to play football . . . I play football. It was too late to leave though, we were recruited on the spot.

As what usually happens at events like these, guys feel as though they need to establish dominance. They must have thought because I wasn’t one of them, (or as big) that they were going to walk all over me. Little did they know, I can play rough with the best of them. And as usual, in these types of situations, when you start whoopin’ ass and making a whole bunch of people look stupid, tensions start to rise. The shoving became more intense, the fouls became a little more flagrant, and the trash talking was at an all time high.

To sum up a long story, my shirt got ripped in half and I almost had to hand out a beat down in a church. Let me repeat that one more time. The guy that had the unfortunate job of having to guard me all night, wanted to fight me, in church, because when I made the third game winning shot in his face, I told him to go home. That’s right, I made the bucket in his eye, and I said, “GO HOME”. Just as I had done a hundred times before, on a hundred different courts, against a hundred more difficult opponents. Apparently he didn’t appreciate looking foolish. So, he tried to step to me. It took every ounce of my being not to deliver a sharp blow to his temple with my elbow then proceed to beat his ass with my Jordans, but I thought better of it and walked away. I paid a lot of money for those shoes, and besides, who in their right mind gets into fisticuffs in church?

I seriously don’t think I had ever been more tempted in my life. Except for that one Halloween party when I made out with both Catwoman and slutty Snow White at the same time. We all know how that ended. And my friends laughed when I said I wanted to go as the Trojan on the box of condoms.


Bitty said...

Watch the Canadian smack talk eh? We'll take Celine Dion away without a second thought. Is that what you want Mr.Poopie? Is it??

In any case good for you for resisting the urge to pummel the rednecks.

Angela Z said...

I thought the Canadian comment was funny........glad to hear no one was hurt. Place nice and be safe!

Angela Z said...

Ok...I've been typing to long today...that should read: Play nice and be safe.....sorry!

Mr. Poopie said...

Bitty - No, no. Please don't take Celine, or Shania. Mmmmm . . . Shania. [get's all dreamy]

angela - problem on. Promise I to place safe and nice be.

lol . . .j/k. I know what you meant, but thanks for the correction.

Anonymous said...

Haha. Whoa. I love it when games start to get intense. Good job restraining yourself, though. JC might have sent you to the fiery pits of hell.

Special K said...

screw that. you should've made those rednecks eat curb. (and i'm white!) yea and canadians suck, too. with their evil beady eyes and flappy heads..............damn canadians

Mr. Poopie said...

Catchy chic - no doubt. you never know when I'll need that get out of jail free card. Good to have you back!

special k - now now, cowboy. I was the only brown guy in the building, no reinforcements bra.

Strong words mate. You bitter about hockey or something?