As you all know, the world’s inhabitants produce an endless supply of reality TV shows, coffee, and stupidity. From Britney to the President, even the Universe’s elite citizens aren’t devoid of premium, grade A, maximum strength, time released, triple action Stupidity. We all have fallen victim to its spell at one point or another, but usually not with fatal results.
The following stories portray recent examples of humanities luckiest idiots and of Mother Nature trying to tie up some lose ends.
Dumbass number one: British man becomes the first to swim a half a mile in the North Pole, wearing nothing but Speedos and a swim cap. Personally, when I heard about this boneheaded imbecile, I was hoping for him to emerge from the icy waters having fed one of his limbs to a killer whale. No such luck. All limbs were in tact and he was all smiles. Although they did say it took him four days to find his genitals.
Had I known of this majestically stupid plan in time, I would have constructed a mechanical Great White Shark and deployed it to the freezing waters of the North Pole to devour him. Leaving nothing but the Speedos of course.
Dumbass number two: A 50 year old man landing a plane in Kentucky said, “Fuck it, I’ll land this sumbitch without landing gear.” After skidding down the runway for a few hundred feet with enough sparks to reignite Vanilla Ice’s career coming from the planes underside, he was found unhurt.
That’s right my trustee followers, this astronomically stupid ass clown forgot to lower the plane’s specially engineered landing gear prior to descending upon the runway. He claims he was distracted by another plane taking off, because apparently that sort of thing never happens at airports.
Dumbass number three: In Ohio, a 22 year old man tried to take down a power line to steal and sell the copper inside. He was electrocuted and found dead, tangled in the wires.
Last but not least, Dumb asses 4 and 5 and winners of this weeks You Can’t Fix Stupid Award:
After overcoming testicular cancer, recent college graduate Michael and his older brother Lawrence, an Air Force Captain, decided to celebrate life by going to Pamplona, Spain to participate in the Running of the Bulls. During the most asinine tradition still in practice today, the brothers were simultaneously attacked by a 1300 lb pissed off Spanish bull on a part of the course known as "Dead Man's Curve". Michael’s leg was so severely injured that the doctors considered amputation. His half-witted brother suffered an eight inch gash to the left buttock.
Both of these pin headed buffoons nearly escaped death. Why they couldn’t just swim in the fucking North Pole with normal people, I’ll never know. For a more detailed glimpse of my true sentiment towards these senseless jerk offs who gather in the thousands to run alongside enormous bulls along narrow and enclosed streets, read my Raging Bull entry below.