Sunday, August 5, 2007

The Fugitive

Yesterday, I found out that my sister is a fugitive of justice. I discovered her newly acquired talent last night when she called me to confess her crime. As any good brother would do, I recorded our conversation for evidence and this was her story . . . .

[my phone rings]


“Brown, have you heard?


“Oh my God,” I hear her hand slap her forehead. “You won’t believe what I did last week. I’m such a criminal!”

“Slow your roll there O.J., what happened?”

Taking a deep breath she began her explanation, “Well . . . . During an afternoon last week I was walking Lucy (her golden retriever) and as usual she was off-leash. We had already been out for a while and it was pretty hot, so we started to head back home through a park next to some running trails. As we came around a bend I noticed a park authority official getting down from her vehicle. As she descended from her truck I called Lucy over so that I could quickly attach her leash. Lucy miraculously came (which she never does) and as I snapped on the leash I looked up and noticed that the park authority lady had noticed and was already making her way towards me. As she made her sheriff-like approach she said she was going to give me a $350 ticket for walking my dog off-leash. I asked if I could get off with a warning, but she said that the county was done with the ineffective “warnings” and that she would have to issue me a ticket. She started writing furiously.”

“Uhuh”, I said listening intently.

“Well, I sure as hell didn't want to pony up $350 so I told her that I wouldn’t pay and started to walk off. What the hell was she gonna do, right? Then she said that she was going to call the police and I stopped dead in my tracks. Brown, I didn’t know what to do, I started panicking. So, I turned to her and said FINE, call ‘em! And I took off running.”

“You did WHAT?” I asked as I choked on my iced tea.

“I dunno what I was thinking, I just took off. As we ran I could hear her making a call on her walkie-talkie as she attempted to follow me while holding up the cumbersome utility belt that was obviously slowing her down. I sped through some trails and after coming around a corner I ditched my conspicuous red and white top in the bushes.

“No you didn’t”, I muttered in disbelief.

“Oh I totally did, I don’t know what came over me. I ran the rest of the way home, practically dragging poor Lucy behind me.”

“I can’t believe you, that’s fucking hilarious”.

“At nightfall, I went back and retrieved my shirt from the bushes.”

“Haha, you better not walk Lucy around that park again.”

“I know, I know, I’ve been avoiding the neighborhood altogether and I’ve even been wearing a hat all week. I told some people at work and now everyone has been calling me a criminal.”

“A criminal on the run huh? Hehehehe . . . .sorry, I couldn’t resist. Let’s just hope they don’t find out about those highlighters.”

“How’d you know about those?”

“Let’s just call it a hunch”


Gnat said...

She is just a proud dog owner who doesn't want to follow the law. I applaud her!!! GO SIS!!!

la cubana gringa said...

Mad props to the Fuge!! :) I don't know if I would have done that, cuz I have a fanny pack all my own that tends to slow me down...but good for her! :)

The Polished Turd said...

Just call her Mint Jelly 'cause she's on the lam.

Mr. Poopie said...

Gnat - So, apparently being a proud dog owner exempts you from having to follow the LAW? Just checking. No further questions your Honor.

LCG - Well, at least people can't look over your shoulder when you're working. I hate that.

polished turd - did you know that mint jelly isn't really green?

Tammy said...

I couldn't stop laughing when she told me the story! I think I rubbed off on her.

Little sausage said...

Fantastic! If some warden tried to tell me to walk HRH on a leash, it'd be the her running. HRH does NOT do a leash.

Damsel Underdressed said...

Good thing dogs don't have to wear license plates like cars. I can't believe she took off running! That is too funny. Tell her to look at the bright side...she got her cardio in for the day.

Mr. Poopie said...

Tammy - we both agreed that this was something you would be more inclined to do. You rebel.

little sausage - I don't blame her. I even hate having to wear a collar.

damsel - No doubt, I'm sure the warden needed it too. Welcome aboard!

Disgruntled said...

hey, you can buy a lot of cheese with $350. i don't blame her.

Mr. Poopie said...

disgruntled - Well, we all know where your dirty mind is.

the fugitive said...

the truth is, I was just tired of being financially raped by the state of California: The crazy high makes-me-miss-Florida state taxes, the holy-crap car registration fees, the I'm-really-hungry-but-I-need-to-get-to-work gas prices and finally the fat property taxes that I pay along with the so-huge- I'll-never-pay-it-off-in-a-million-years mortgage payment. What can I say, I was over it. Someone had to pay, but it wasn't going to be me that day!
Thank you all for your support - or not! Maybe next week I'll cut in line at the DMV!

Mr. Poopie said...

fugitive - Be careful honey, that's how it starts. First its stealing a pen at the bank, then its, "
Everybody get your fucking hands up, this is a robbery!".

Gnat said...

ahh the fanny pack..... it looks like your belt is digesting a small rodent, i'm just sayin