Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Breast Men

So much to blog about. . . . First things first. . . . I'm not going to delve into the painfully obvious, like the lack of a new banner, the fact that it's been a year since my last post, and that when God invented chicken he should have made it taste like chocolate so that whenever we eat something devoid of its own distinct flavor, we could just say it tastes like chocolate. Because that my friends would not only be funny, but would also explain the chocolate eggs during Easter and their creamy filling. Because we all know how disturbing it was as kids to flirt with the idea that Jesus laid those eggs. Oh c'mon, I know I wasn't the only one.

As in true Brown Man fashion, a few current events if I may. My disdain for talentless pop starlets has been well documented. However, I cannot in good conscious rejoice in Brittney's latest catastrophe, having to lose custody of her children. As much as I believe that the destinies of those two love children are already plagued, no mother should have to endure losing her own children. We can only hope that this will lead Brittney to a treadmill rehab.

Now to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart . . . . BREASTS! I was going to say strippers, but I wouldn't want any of you to think less of me and it wouldn't be a smooth segway to discuss something that threatens beloved breasts around the world, breast cancer. That's right. October is breast cancer awareness month and those of you who are overtly aware of my unhealthy adoration to female mammaries, know that I will do anything to protect them. Even if that means visiting every strip club in the country to spread awareness. I know, I know, a long and perilous adventure it will be, but I'm prepared to take one for the team.

Although a meager contribution, I've vowed to do a multitude of things this month in order to show my love for breasts. As of yesterday I proudly started wearing a pink ribbon on my shirt and intend to wear it every day this month. Originally I wanted to wear a big pink bra on my head, but the spa director said the ribbon would not only get my point across, but also prevent a lawsuit. I suppose that why she's the boss. I'm not stopping there. I also plan to buy as many products as possible that are contributing to the cause. I've already bought some pink tic tacs and pink M&M's. I anticipate buying a few pink bracelets to pass around, running a 5k, and even providing free breast massages exams. I'd also like to buy a couple of dome tents, spray paint them pink, and put them on the front lawn. I just need to check with my home owner's association to avoid any unnecessary monetary setbacks. If you can think of any other "creative" ways for me to support the preservation of the ta-tas, I'd love to feel hear them.

Okay, so maybe the reconstruction of my little piece of the internet pie, was a little premature, but with so many breasts to think about, I don't think I can really be blamed no? Besides, the elves I had employed for the job apparently were Mexican and were recently deported for being illegal immigrants (I seriously hope they don't deport the cleaning ladies at my work before I'm able to give all of them proper breast exams).

Anyway, sorry for being out so long. The new banner will be up before you know it. Intermittently I will continue to brighten your daily lives with a little bit of Brown.


la cubana gringa said...

Here I was thinking you hadn't blogged in so long because you were up to your usual tomfoolery and hootinanny...when all along you were preparing for the overwhelming task of spreading breast cancer awareness with your own two hands. I shall never doubt you again, Mr. Poopie. :) (Glad you're back! xoxo)

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could get implants

Laundramatic said...

Kudos for spreading the awareness... by any means necessary!

Disgruntled said...

i saw a guy wearing a shirt that said, "I love boobs." i thought he was a big jerk until i saw the huge pink ribbon on the sleeve. then i felt like the jerk.

i got a massage today. it was fabulous. seriously. what would we do without you people and your magic hands?

Mr. Poopie said...

cubana - I'll always be loyal to tomfoolery, but I figured there were countless breasts depending on me.

catchy - have you hit your head recently? They would get in the way of my work . . . obviously!

laundramatic - thanks for the kudos hon. A daunting but worthwhile task indeed.

disgruntled - I could only find an "I love MILFS" shirt. I figure if people are going to think I'm a jerk anyway, they may as well be right! And you never know, I just might get lucky.

And to think there are knucklheads out there who have never gotten a massage. What the hell are they thinking? Thanks for the props babe! Magic hands at your service!

karla said...

I've been staring at my monitor for weeks now, waiting for the new banner. Fortunately, no one in my family has missed me. But hurry the hell up.

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