Thursday, March 6, 2008

Batteries Not Included

I worked on Paul Bunyan today. He didn't have a blue bull with him, but he did have a battery in his ass. I kid you not, this mammoth man had a battery "in-side" his ass. All up in his ass. Apparently, one day his spinal cord decided to randomly start sending electrical impulses directly to one of his testicles causing excruciating pain. (If given the choice, something tells me he would have opted for the bull)

So, after finding the only neurosurgeon on the planet who specializes in exploding testicles, it is determined that a battery should be installed in his right buttock that will send it's own electrical impulse to his spine, overriding his body's attempt to detonate one of his family jewels like a gonad grenade. Well, this braniac doctor in all his infinite wisdom, decided to not only shove an iPod in this guys ass, but failed to secure it firmly in his butt cheek, causing it to "float" up past his waistline into his lower back. Consequently, they had to go back in to sew the metal plate in place. You'll love this part. As if this guy hadn't gone through enough shit already, when it came time for this thing to be replaced, Mr. rent-a-surgeon decided that watching the next episode of House was way more important than taking the time to sew the alternate device in place. Guess what happened next? Bingo! They had to cut his ass up a fourth time to prevent this battery, that is the size of a cell phone mind you, from going God knows where in the future. At least the doctor had the presence of mind to use the same location to go back in.

Right when you think you've seen it all . . .

3 comments:

Fleas said...

Poor guy! Makes me think twice about complaining about my minor aches and pains . . . and surgeries.

Ginormous Boobs said...

The docs have been trying to put a spinal cord stimulator in me for years. And this story is exactly why it ain't going to happen. This migration happens all the time.

Mr. Poopie said...

Fleas - Amen girl. Now I know how laptops feel.

Boobs - Right there with ya honey. Although, if one of my little boys were in danger, I might have to reconsider. Anything for family you know?