Friday, October 17, 2008

Surf's Up

I was perusing some on-line articles the other day, and I came across this gem about Car Surfing, which of course I had no choice but to comment on. I'm pretty sure I was being called upon to do so by a higher power, so I apologize in advance. Car Surfing is when a passenger of a car, or even the driver in some cases, performs stunts on the outside of the moving vehicle as if they were surfing it. The article describes that the CDC reviewed newspaper articles about Car Surfing that had been published over the last 18 years, (apparently they have that kind of time) and they found 99 articles on this riveting subject. I'm not a math whiz by any means, but by my calculations that's roughly 5.5 car surfing incidents a year, or 1 every 66.4 days. (rounded to the nearest decimal point) Of all of the reported stupidity, about 58 of those incidents ended in fatalities. In 75% of those cases, death was caused by blow to the head, from which we could also conclude that just about every other article included information about how some kid's medulla oblongata had to be scraped off of a stop sign.

The average age of the victims was 17.6 yrs old and 70% of them were also male. Surprise! If numbers hurt your head as much as they do mine, then we can further deduce that these kids were fucking stupid. What the CDC failed to investigate however, was the statistics regarding the race of these morons, the average income of the household from which they came, or perhaps the most imperative stat of all, where their fucking parents were during the conception of these brilliant ideas.

Now, I don't want to sound racist, but I don't think I would be going out on a limb if I said that the majority of these kids were probably white. And the only reason I'd say that, of course, is because the black kids were probably selling drugs and the Hispanics were working a Taco Bell drive through. I'm totally kidding, I'm pretty sure not all of them were allowed to work drive through right away. Again, I jest. The reason I know the majority of these kids were white, is because these injuries were incurred by engaging in an activity that has the word surfing in it.

It is a well known fact that 90% of African Americans don't like natural bodies of water. Of the 10% that do, 98% would rather eat fire than swim in the ocean. Conclusion, brothas don't like the ocean and wouldn't be caught dead surfing. In comparison, brown people LOVE the ocean. (I know this because it is my purpose to know) I know this because I am brown. Almost drowning in the ocean is kind of like a right of passage. That being said, most Hispanics are not huge fans of surfing, because we'd much rather swim, or play soccer on the beach. Obviously. Therefore, I can hypothesize with almost 100% certainty, that the kids participating in Car Surfing were unquestionably white. I'm not really sure what I intended to suggest by illustrating that they were Caucasian, besides that if you have white kids you should probably buy them a soccer ball . . . . . . or a helmet. You know, just in case.

note: Chinese and Indian children were excluded from these studies because they were too busy doing homework to be surveyed.

I will be mildly impressed if you can identify both movie references. Hint: they're in parenthesis.


Holly Hall said...


I can say there is an very extended car surfing sequence in the movie Teenwolf.

In fact, it was van surfing.

There ya go,

movie reference.

Here is the clip. In Spanish no less.


Mr. Poopie said...

ms hall - that's pretty funny, I had originally titled this post teen wolf, but didn't think most people would get it. So, although you missed the other two, I give you props for that one.

Holly Hall said...

Props accepted by MRS. Hall


Anonymous said...

Well, I'm almost certain I checked to see if you had a blog in the past, since I usually check on my commenters, but apparently that was on one of my Forrest days.

Moving on. This post made me laugh. And laugh. And wake up one of my pukey kids. So, thanks for that.

Also. One of my neighbors happens to be a dumb-as-shit white kid who graduated in June from high school (by no small miracle, I assure you) and has since damaged his brain by pickup truck surfing. (I live in redneck heaven, the Inland Northwest.)

My brother-in-law is black, and he hated the water until he married into this white family of water lovers and had to learn to love it out of self-defense.

Consequently, I have to agree with your hypotheses.

Cheasty said...

holy hell you are funny, mr. poopie. i laughed so hard i almost crapped my pants, but i missed both movie references. sorry.

Mr. Poopie said...

lindsey - sorry you woke one of the wee ones, but I am glad that I could garner a guffaw.

cheasty - I aim to please! Estoy feliz que no te cagaste!

Harmony said...

This is down right hilarious..and your hypothesis spot on...I know this, because I have been involved with car surfing (aack!), there were 4 of us 2 girls (white) 2 boys (1 African American and 1 white of the stoner colony)...The white boy jumped up on the top of the car...yes he did eventually fall, but with little injury (thank God). And that was the last time I ever had anything to do with car surfing. And our parents? They were all waiting for us to get home from school...I don't know about the rest...but mine were no doubt getting high and hating life...hippies are awesome! (sorry, I feel sarcastic today).

Movie lines: sounds like something Tyler Durden would say. But I have no idea.