Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Billy Madison

I looked over to the lane next to mine as I was driving yesterday, to witness one of the more baffling traffic sights one can encounter. (besides motorcyclists being scraped off the pavement of course) I saw this tiny Filipino woman literally compressed between the driver seat and her dangerously encroaching steering wheel like a grilled cheese sandwich. The steering wheel appeared to have the circumference of a hoola hoop in her tiny grasp and she was so tightly packed in the car she looked like a midget in the cockpit of a fighter jet. If that poor woman so much as bumped another car while parking, causing the air bag to deploy, she would undeniably be decapitated. I looked on with a combination of horror, amusement, and surprise, as she drove away, her face literally centimeters from the horn, steering the mammoth wheel as if the captain of an old Spanish sailing ship. I guess sights like these should never really surprise me anymore, it's just that they sort of creep up on you when you're least expecting it. You know, one moment you're riding the subway, momentarily scanning the random crowd of faces, and the next moment a guy's clipping his toe nails . . . . . . . with his teeth. Or you're at the park with your dog and some dude is suspiciously looking around before he takes his underwear off and discards them into the bushes.

Months ago, I was coming home from work taking a back route through a quiet little neighborhood, when I saw a man and his boy exiting a large truck that had just parked in front of a house that I assumed was theirs. As if they had just pulled up to a giant aluminum trough in a public restroom, the little boy, around 3 or so, pulled his pants down and started taking a piss on the street, in front of the truck, his dad, a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom townhouse, me, and the rest of the fucking neighborhood! When the boy was finished, his dad (if you can call him that), came over and practically congratulated the kid before they disappeared into the house. Yes, the house with at least two bathrooms. I mean, they didn't look like they were in a hurry. Their faces carried no signs of desperation, necessity, or worry, akin to people who can't wait a second longer before their bladder explodes. As nonchalant as their emergence on the scene, the public display of urinary transgression was as equally of no concern or consequence. They acted completely normal, as if this were a daily occurrence, (which probably was) as if this were just another trip to the bathroom by a Father and Son at half time, during a Sunday football game. Right when you think you've seen it all.

I began to wonder about my childhood and all the questionable places I had peed. (once on my own leg to quell a jelly fish sting) Hell, I began to sift through all of the adult files as well, including all the accounts of inebriated, piss-poor decision making at sporting events, BBQ's, parties, nightclubs, and tail gaters; not even leaving out any testosterone fueled Dares from intoxicated peers. I'm a guy, after all, my plumbing allows me the freedom to take advantage of certain bladder relieving discretions if you will. If they can be avoided, of course we'd rather not pee in this alley, behind that car, or in the corner of this parking garage, or in the Gatorade bottle I'll have to stare at for the next few hours of our road trip. (So warm in your lap) But if it can't, well as they say, when Nature calls . . . . . you best be answering, because she doesn't like to leave long, detailed messages that take up a lot of space on your answering machine and everybody knows that's rude and inconsiderate and God help you if you haven't called her back in 3 days after you took her to dinner the last time and she invited you in for a night cap, which ended up with you in her bed, making awesome drunk marathon sex sweet love to her for two hours, but you felt a little weirded out because afterward you noticed she had My Little Ponies every where in her room, the walls adorned with stuffed animals and glitter posters, and you had to stare at the ceiling covered in glowing stars until she fell asleep so you could escape, but you're an asshole for not calling her after the amazing fulfillment of destiny your souls had just shared. Okay, well maybe I'm the only one who says that. Anyway, then I wondered if this is the path that people take who eventually grow up to do some R. Kelly type shit. Just sayin', makes you wonder.


Amy xxoo said...

" Piss poor decision making " - ha!

Also, the father and son thing is totally weird. I mean even if thepoor kid was totally about to burst, wouldnt you at least rty to go behind a shrub in your garden or something ? You wouldnt just flop it out in the street and pee in the gutter...

Would you ?

Holly Hall said...

When you go to your happy place, do you see little people riding tricyles and semi-attractive women holding pints of beer?

I miss the freshness of his movies. Now they are all repeats. All crazy man children prone to freakouts. Even the punk drunk love guy. Same concept, different level of asethetics. And what was with all that threatening of violence during the love making?


that's all I got


gotta go. gotta drain the lizard


Krissyface said...

Here's what I wanna know: How did you know the lady was Filipino?

Cynic with Flair said...

Nice to meet you, Mr. Poopie, and thanks for reading my blog.

As for the man and his son, that behavior is beyond explanation. I could say it speaks to a man's need to make everything about his "junk", but you may disagree with me. Boys from young ages are fascinated with it and don't seem to get that not everyone else is.

As for the woman you didn't call for 3 days...was that me? Oh no, because I don't have ponies and glitter...don't blame you for freaking on that but the not calling thing is so not cool. Maybe it was the temple of Satan I have set up in my bedroom that sent them running. J/K.

Love your observations!

Mr. Poopie said...

Amy - Exactly. How's he just gonna waste it by going in the street? At least water the shrubs man. Poor Parenting I say. LOL

Holly - There's nothing "semi-attractive" about the women in my happy place.

Krissy - Yeah, I guess ur right. It is a little difficult to guess when she's going so fast.

Cynic - "Boys from young ages are fascinated with it" Um, sweetie, I don't mean to rain on your parade, but our fascination with "it" never really goes away. Ahem, so I'm told anyway.

bodelou said...


Prunella Jones said...

Whenever I read about people peeing it makes me have to go. Why is that? Is there such a thing as Suggestable Bladder Syndrome?

Mr. Poopie said...

bode - I take it that's good?

prunella - My dearest pru, when I was a kid and I saw someone else throwing up . . . . I couldn't let them do it alone. So, you might be on to something.

Cheasty said...

heya poops, just caught up on your blog. sorry i've been ausente, but it's been all i can do to keep posting on mine lately. i am back, however, and here to tell you (yes, once again) that you're effing hilarious and I heart you. that's right, i heart you. with glitter and ponies.

Mr. Poopie said...

cheasty - aaawwww, I heart you too. Just no glitter. Ponies, but sans glitter. And maybe a G.I. JOE in there too. With the kung fu grip. Cuz that's how I roll.