Monday, September 21, 2009

Pet Peeve # 419

I understand the concept of getting a massage early in the morning and not having showered, (okay, well not really) but if you're feet look like you've been treading through soot, or like you've been using them to dig for oil, then we've got a problem. The spa has amenities, extremely nice ones I might add, and you should use them. Also, for your convenience, we provide expensive, aromatic body washes infused with all kinds of herbs and plant extracts from places I can't even pronounce. (So they must be good) If you don't have the decency to take a shower, in the name of all things holy, at least rinse off your dirty ass feet. If I pull back the sheet to discover filth covered soles, I guarantee two things are going to happen: I will massage them thoroughly while I try not to gag, and then I will thoroughly massage your face (with a smug grin). Just my way of giving back.

By the way, the same goes for your ass. The last thing I want to experience while I'm administering a forearm glide down the length of your back, as I contemplate what I'm going to have for lunch, is catching a whiff of pungent, putrid, rancid ass crack. The only thing I hate more than people who sit in the hot tub before a massage and force me smell their noxious chlorine fumes (paired with sweat and body funk) for an hour, is rank ass. Trust me, if there was a way I could make you smell your own ass without getting fired, I would have figured it out by now. Do us both a favor, just take a damn shower.

While we're on the topic of ass and feet funk, let me take a quick moment to also express another bane of my profession, spray on tans. I'm not really sure what possesses people to get a spray tan BEFORE getting a massage, but allow me a quick moment to eloquently, professionally, and respectfully illustrate my heartfelt concern........don't fucking do it. You smell like a tamale of burnt flesh rolled in paprika. Not only would I prefer you didn't expose me to your hazardous, fake tan vapors, but the filmy residue turns my sheets orange and is a bitch to get off my hands. If you want to accelerate the melanoma process, by all means don't let me stop you beef jerky. Just have the decency to pursue skin cancer AFTER a massage.

5 comments:

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

You are this close to convincing me to get a massage again. It seems like you really are quite good when it comes to the rub downs.

That being said, I promise to shower and defunk both my feet and tush!!

:)

Mr. Poopie said...

Mrs. Hall - I certainly hope you give it another shot. It's all about finding that right person, just like in any other aspect of your health (doctor, chiro, etc.)

Although my tone is often sarcastic and comical, I take great pride in my work, and I'm humbled every day and love that I can facilitate the healing process or provide a blissful getaway, however brief that may be. Thanks for defunking!

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

I had never thought about it like that, that it is a matter of finding the right person.

Makes sense though.

ok, lemme do a post on my only massage and dangit, perhaps you can trouble shot some areas ;)

Hank said...

Brown Man, buddy.....my mom is crackin' up cause she's a dental hygienist and, man, she can feel yer pain!

People are stoooopid, huh??? I'm just glad I'm a dog I tell ya what.

Hank

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

I have now written a post about my one massage.

:)

http://misseshall.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-got-massage-once-dude-touched-my-butt.html