Friday, May 14, 2010

Sixteen Candles

I have a rather vivid imagination, it helps to pass the time during a massage when I'm having difficulty staying in the present. Generally, these lapses of focus are occupied mostly by thoughts of food. However, when I'm not thinking about my next meal, I'm often playing the Panty Game. The Panty Game is where I  imagine what people are like and what they do by the brand, style, and material of their panties. I often wonder if they're married, single, of angelic origin, or inclined to promiscuity. Are they tidy, wealthy, high maintenance, or on that time of the month? Do they own dogs or cats, do they sky-dive, like to cook, or strip for money. Are they runners, writers, circus performers, police officers, or tax collectors? Do they like movies, are they foreign, and would they like my guacamole?

I've seen them all. Big ones, little ones, g-strings, thongs, boy shorts, halfsies, the Hipster, the Highcut, the Low-cut, the Bikini,  and the ever cornea-blinding, gag-inducing classic, the Granny. They come in lace, cotton, silk, nylon, satin, mesh, lycra, and polyester. I've been doing body work long enough that I can tell, at a glance, what they're made of, whether or not you bought the right size, and how much of a hassle they are going to be. I can make estimations about people all day, and their panties can sometimes garner an extra clue as to my deductions, but honestly, you can never know for sure. What I do know, with absolute certainty, is that they are the bane of my professional existence.

The worst offender is definitely the g-string, particularly, the double waistband. When I start working on the back, the sheet (sometimes accompanied by a blanket) is folded back just before the gluteal cleft (also referred to as plumber's crack). Unfortunately, if a client decides that she wants to play the Panty Game, I have to pull the waistband down as well, as to avoid getting oil on them and to remove obstruction of my awesome hand glides. More often than not, the g-string waistband is some taught strip of elastic heinousness that almost always refuses to stay in place. Thus begins the underwear fiasco. How many times do I try to put the band back where I want it before my client thinks that I'm playing with her panties, or trying to take them off? I can't really go over them because that can't be comfortable, but if I don't try and keep it out of the way, every time I do a full back stroke, my fingers/hands get caught underneath and the waistband snaps back into place on the return. Before I concede, I usually make it a point to get a couple of good snaps in to convey the message that your panties are a pain in my ass.

The only advantage to a client wearing either a thong or g-string is that you can still get to their glutes, but that's little comfort considering all the maneuvering you have to do in order to avoid snapping the spandex in the first place. It would make more sense, if you're going to wear that little material anyway, to go commando and enjoy a seamless and blissful massage. Leave the lingerie for your boyfriend, unless of like guacamole.


Mrs. Hall said...

I wrote a blog about my first message!

here's a link.

i've had a second massage now :)

that's bee next!

I was wearing pants but kinda nudie on top :)

Brown said...

Mrs. Hall - lol...kinda nudie?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I studied massage therapy years ago but never did it professionally. My teacher and I dispensed with clothing because as you noted, it interferes with the smoothness of the strokes.

Brown said...

Hey Heart - well said. As I was formulating a response to your comment, I realized that I had a bit more to say.... Mostly for purposes of clarification. See part deux.

mischief said...

Interesting. I always thought the Panty Game was when my friends and I would bet each other, for beer, that one of us wouldn't dare to say, "Hey I'm not wearing any panties tonight" to the first person who would speak to us at the pub on any given night. Thank you for straightening me out. My benefit plan comes with some free massage which I have always been afraid to redeem... I am going to keep reading in hopes you can convince me otherwise.

Brown said...

mischief - haha...I truly hope that my poor attempts at humor don't discourage you from the countless benefits of massage. You definitely get more fluid work sans knickers, but the therapeutic benefits are the same either way. Ultimately, your comfort is most important. Without it, some of the purpose is defeated. You are appropriately covered the whole time, so it isn't as though you're being exposed.