Monday, August 23, 2010

Still Smiling

I hate my new toothbrush. If it weren't utterly disgusting too late, I'd fish my old one out of the trash. Besides...dirty dishes, empty ice cream containers, and sulking in a bathrobe all morning, are tall tale signs that my roommate is on her period. Saying that I would be wary of retrieving the Holy Grail from the bathroom trash bin at this point would be an understatement.

One of the things I hate about it the most, the new toothbrush that is, is that it has a raised, braille-like pattern on the back of the brush head, presumably for raking debris and bacteria off your tongue. This annoying feature is not only handy for preventing halitosis, but is equally advantageous for scraping the inside of your cheeks into a soft fleshy pulp as you brush. Yaaay.

So, I purchased an electrical toothbrush and although I like it better than the medieval mutilating torture device that preceded it, I'm still not entirely enamored. Sure, it may do a better job at cleaning my teeth, and perhaps that should be reason enough to keep using it, but it's difficult to get over the feeling that I'm brushing with a vibrator. Not to mention, I haven't quite mastered the trick of not drooling all over myself during the process.

Moreover, the mechanical humming too closely resembles the drills that orthodontists use. Honestly, if I wanted to reenact the sensation of going to the loathed, depressive, suicide-inducing dentist, I would just book an appointment, or submerge my balls in a vat of boiling oil. I'm just saying, no me gusta el dentista.

9 comments:

Mrs. Hall said...

did you get the one i recommended?

i still use the old non electrical one now and then. for old times sake.

o and btw. your comment about how you felt after you left the military, how, 'everyone else was pretty much an idiot and really slow at everything' (or some such!)

this is an attitude I see every day at work- i work with returnees from the current war-lots of young marines and army guys. it's hilarious hearing how they see the world like this. :)

part of the fun though, is that if they are seeing me, they are in some sort of mental health trouble, and they are use to be told what to do. so they listen more :)!!

hee hee hee ;)

Brown said...

Hall - I got a slightly different one than the one you recommended, to try things out...

Yes, that is one definitive advantage of these returnees is their ability, and willingness, to follow directions. Thankfully, the brainwashing spell of hierarchical devotion and obedience eventually wears off.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I thought I was the only person on earth with this problem. I bought a Philips Sonicare from my dentist, very expensive, and I hardly ever use it, opting for the old-style ones I've always used instead. I keep it plugged in, which only adds to my guilt, but it makes a grinding noise if I try to change direction in my mouth, while if I take it out first, it splatters me. I really hate the thing.

Brown said...

heart in S.F. - OMG, I feel the same way. Changing direction, pressing down too hard, getting the front teeth...it's a show. Makes me look like a 4 year old who sloppily ate ice cream. Drool and paste everywhere. Not only that, I mounted mine to the wall...Ugh!

mischief said...

Brown, I have been looking in the drugstore for a black toothbrush ever since the first post of yours I read in which you lamented the dearth of toothbrushes available in manly colours. And I have discovered you are correct. Black toothbrushes are not easy to find! I wonder why.

But I have to say I disagree with you about electric toothbrushes. I love mine, love it love love it! I feel like my mouth has been through a minty car wash when I'm done and I adore that feeling. It's just exactly and perfectly too much of a good thing. I wonder if you would enjoy yours more if it was a different colour?

Slyde said...

that toothbrush looks like something quite dirty to me...

mischief said...

...just missing your voice a bit.... hope you're okay....

Stephanie said...

I'm with Slyde on this one. Lol.

And my bet is that the day you see black toothpaste on the market, you'll see a matching black electric toothbrush. Silly boy, they're white to give lazy people the illusion that their expensive vibrating piece of delight is sparkly clean.

mischief said...

School. Make it stop. I miss your voice!