Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Despicable Me

Being a massage therapist has its major inconveniences, such as having to be extra careful handling everything from kitchen knives to post it notes. One false move can put you in a finger condom for a week, and let’s face it, nobody likes condoms. As active as I am, I always suffer from inevitable cuts, scrapes, or jammed fingers, and finding creative ways to work around ailing digits can be a nuisance.

So, needless to say, I occupy a
meaningless existence, missing 
out on the finer experiences in life such as opening beer bottles with my bare hands, picking up broken glass, pyrotechnics, and carpentry. However, I do take full advantage of crushing aluminum cans on my forehead. For all intents and purposes, the world is virtually a string of insidious booby traps, not unlike the one those teenagers in Final Destination had to maneuver through in order to survive.

Facing eminent death at every turn is not a foreign concept to me, considering that I watch way too many movies moonlight as a ninja, but not even we can escape the cold and vengeful grasp of irony. While playing basketball this morning, I was being extra mindful not to jam my thumb for the third time in 3 weeks, only to sprain my ankle after stepping on some Neanderthal’s foot. It truly is a travesty to see a specimen of my athletic prowess to be reduced to gingerly limping through the pet store carrying a 35 pound bag of dog food. Not only that, you become painfully aware of how you take dorsiflexion for granted until you have to sit on the toilet, or drive to work in traffic. So glad I could amuse you Universe...at least I won’t have to wear a condom.

7 comments:

Mrs. Hall said...

I lurved despicable me! it one of the kid's movies I actually put in and enjoy!!

and seriously. did a kickboxing class the other day. that whole sitting down to do the business. NO JOKE!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You sound like my soul mate. This is not a good thing, as it has been said that I am at war with the physical world. Feel better soon!

Brown said...

Mrs. Hall - I lurved it too! Haha, yes, toilet hovering is particularly hard after doing squats as well.

Heart in s.f. - Thanks for the get well. As for the soul mate, not sure if that's a compliment...or...

jbchicoine said...

Well, I'm sorry for your ankle, but it did produce this amusing bit of writing and I learned a new word: dorsiflexion. If only there were more opportunities in life to use it. I hope I don't have to wait for a sprain before I can come up with the appropriate occasion!

Brown said...

j.b. - I know, I know. I have some really great ones like hypothenar eminence...We use it everyday, (particularly those who like to pick their nose) but I can never seem to work that one into conversation either. Damn my life!

jbchicoine said...

Brown, you ought not waste hypothenar eminence on a comment! That deserves an entire post!

(had to google that--I'm going to memorize it so I can impress and baffle my friends. They're still gagging on penetralia, and I don't know why!)

mischief said...

Nobody likes condoms. Ain't it the truth.