Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Saving Private Ryan

I've often contemplated Harakiri...not on myself of course. I couldn't imagine pushing a dagger into my abdomen, and then forcefully dragging it horizontally across my torso until my insides are no longer where they belong. No, that's a little drastic, and messy. But the act of Sepuku on the blog however...is an act who's reality has become increasingly plausible with each passing day that does not see a sentence written by my hands.

I often wonder at what point a person who has dedicated his or her entire life to dancing, acting, or professional sports decide when their last audition is if they still do not achieve their goals. At what juncture does someone realize that the universe has been trying to nudge them in a different direction and decide against everything that feels right, in order to pursue a path different than the one of which they have been so sure?

I wonder if torn ligaments and crushed egos are the byproducts of greater forces imposing their will, or does coincidence, chance and serendipity ultimately decide who among us is chosen for greatness? I told a friend the other day that I was done with pursuing a career in writing, that I recognized that I didn't possess the right amount of whatever ingredients were necessary for a successful career as a writer. I'm not bitter, I will not live with regret, nor will I abandon an art that has granted me solace over the darkest years. I have simply chosen another path. I do not see this as quitting, relenting, or settling.

I've often struggled with the philosophical paradox of whether we truly possess choice, or if it is merely an illusion to which we are all slaves. I'm not sure we can have it both ways...things happening the way they are supposed to, as well as the ability to create a world by the power of our thoughts alone...or a bed to lie in as it were.

It's never been about how far the rabbit hole goes, but the reasons that motivated us to jump in it in the first place that truly matters. So, for now, the blog lives to see another day. Until of course, I, or fate, decide otherwise.


mischief said...

The thing about careers in the Fine Arts is that most people cannot afford to pursue them full time. Hence so many actor-slash-waiters and writer-slash-gas-station-attendants. It's sad, really, but I suppose it separates the truly committed from those who (like me) will just pursue something close enough. It takes a kind of intestinal fortitude I do not possess to never know whether or not I can make the next month's bills.

You are a beautiful writer; about that there is no doubt. The question is, of course, whether or not you can afford to pursue it full time (and when I say afford, I mean both financially and mentally/emotionally, because it's exhausting to all resources). I used to have an acting coach who said the only reason to become an actor was, "Because I have to." I sort of liked it, even though it made me realise I wasn't passionate enough to succeed at it, because it was clear. I don't know if it's true, though.

I wonder how we can fulfill our need to create without starving. It's a tough balance to strike, at least for me. Tell me if you figure it out. And no matter what you decide about whether or not to pursue writing as a career, keep doing it regardless, for yourself.

Brown said...

MISCHIEF!!! You're still here! Yay!

Exceptional comment and insight as usual. I agree, one must definitely have intenstinal fortitude, but I think there must also exist a perfect balance of talent, opportunity, and resources.

I've always felt that I must have had too much to drink from the fountain of imagination and not enough from the one the type "A's" were drinking from, but I'm not entirely sure I'd like the taste anyway.

Dreams are blissful and worthwhile, even when we hold on to them for too long. I'd rather have my cold, dead hands plucked from grasping my dreams than to have a life full of accolades and accomplishments that never brought any true fulfillment.

Anonymous said...

Raul, I read you blog,about changing career, or being forced to change. Well done blog. It brought lot of feeling in my life, having polio when I was two, made me adjust to what I could be early in life, but I didn't pay much attention to that and accomplished most of the things I dream for myself. Oh yes, there is a adjustment each step of the way. Not easy.